All gone

Was going through stuff and saw this today:

Been wondering how and when you fell out of love with me..
Don't know why I did not see it coming even when you said in your chat that you have changed. Should I have seen something coming right there. Was me begging for your love and proclaiming it in ways you weren't ok with (like in this conversation) what put you off?

I wonder if I'll get answers to these questions that keep coming back into my head ever so frequently about what went wrong and how and how could I not see it all falling apart. Everything was so great! like a magical story, like a dream come true...
This conversation was dated just after May, and you were clearly already out of love with me.
For what reason? I do not know... but I should have let that be then and not have allowed myself do things for you just so you wouldn't leave me.. Things I'd never imagine myself doing..

Everytime I wrote here, love was what I felt for you
Everytime I wrote here, I used to hope you'd love what I was writing for you
the way you love your bestfriend writing for her guy proclaiming her love.
You had her as the idol and model of true love, no? why didn't u ever feel like I fell in that category where my love for you could be exemplified too? Just becoz I don't talk abt it? Just becoz you don't know/ hear what I have to say about you to my friends? You have no idea how lucky, happy and wonderful I felt having you in my life. Everytime we had an argument I'd struggle with myself to end it as soon as I could. And you end it all with me by just saying, "You didn't give anything to the relationship" That's so painful. those words. Coming from someone who you thought you were drenching in the shower of your love but realised that he remained in the desert without sensing a drop of love you were showering on him.

I just love you and I miss you so much.

Why did you change?
Why did you say I didn't love you?
Why did you say I don't give a damn to our relationship?
Why did you assume so many things I never said?
Why did you not understand and feel things I meant?

This is all so terrible!

I suddenly have no one to talk to,
no one to consult,
no one to turn to,
no one to find comfort with,
no one to discuss my fears with,
no one to discuss my future with,
no one to laugh out loudly with
no one to cry with
no one to be kiddish with

all down the drain
like the rain


Will you believe if I said, the subject line for this chat was:

I'm not letting you go so easily darling! you are mine and nothing can change that. Period.

I wrote that. hmm.. I don't believe I can proclaim you like that anymore.. I don't have any more rights over you. I don't have the courage to say that to you now that I've been clearly told I'm not the one for you. 

Why did you come into my life? Why did you let me dream and weave my entire life around you! 

I kept writing and writing and writing here.. 
You should have just told  me to shut up and that all those don't matter anymore. 
All these feelings and expressions are sheer waste
You didn't feel it, you didn't need it.
Why did you let me go on with my dream dance of love
when all you did was just sit in the audience and watch it like an outsider?

You: oddu k...........a lot has changed

12:50 AM me: exactly

  A lot has changed.

 You: so have i

 me: no you haven't

  u are just masking it all

 You: lemme decide that

  for myself

 me: sure!

12:51 AM I'm not deciding for you, don't you worry!

  did I tell you anything? I was just speaking for myself that's all

  :)

12:53 AM gone already?

12:54 AM see.. I told you, you are still the same; disappear without informing :P

 You: i am what i am ........ its upto you for what you wanna think of me as ......

12:56 AM me: totally!

  and I think of you as the sexiest handsome hunk alive! not second to anyone. Not even to the chocolate softie Chinese hero I saw today:he was the cutest though

  and I also think of you as my future.

12:57 AM I think of you; I fancy you; The sisters I studied under in college would get scandalized if they could read my mind of what I think of you.

8 minutes

1:06 AM You: have a grt stay at blor

  blore

  Good bye K

  take care

  All The Best

  bye

 me: Good night love

 You: Don't make this bharder

  harder for any of us

 me: sleeping?

1:07 AM I know.. without me no..

  it is, but what to do; just imagine me snuggling up to you.

  it'll not feel so hard.

 You: good bye

 me: good night my monkeyboy!

1:08 AM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYipQBFkWDQ&feature=related

First... then, ...

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/First-get-naughty-then-have-sex/articleshow/9883557.cms

Good night ji!

Good night love! 

Have a lovely sleep! 

:) :) :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lREIHlUyOIc

:)

the making of magic!

Hey handsome hunk!

1:23 in the video.. 

Reminds me of how lovingly you used to look at me while making love.. :)

I miss you sweets!

Come back jaldi and give me more such loving looks ~blush!~ 

Here you go love!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMMyTa-6-YI

what I said is true no? reminds you of you no? :)

Its magical when I'm with you.. 

Chk this out

http://vi.sualize.us/lilnika/lovers/?waterflow&page=8

Rain?

We've already done this no? :)

:Now I want to do this

I know how we both hate rain, but I want to walk in the rain with you. Someday, sometime when we are ready to get drenched in the rain feeling the love while our skin seeps the water from the rain and make us feel a part of mother nature.

What would you like buchki? ha ha ha :) 

Love you always

Jaanu miya!

NO. don't read this

Ages ago..
Two souls in presence of the Lord
Asked to grant them a wish

Even if we end up taking birth in different bodies
Please ensure the life in us is always connected

blah blah blah! tried to translate a song, it's going awry! scary! so I'll stop here :P

Smile please! :)

Buchki buchki buchki

today was a day filled with mixed emotions.
Bad emotions for other reasons
Good emotions for your reasons
Today for the 1st time ever,
you had a smiley before every word you pinged!

Imagine my happiness to first see the smile and then the words
Like it was for real.
like you are 1st smiling at me and then talking to me
like it happens when you are in person!

I didn't get to kiss you

I had a wonderful dream yesterday.
You know what happened in the dream?
You came home! yes. You came to my home in our city and it was such a pleasant surprise!! You told me that you reached a day before that, but you wanted to surprise me so didnt inform me :)
I was so excited to see you, my dad and mom and sis were talking to you, how was your trip and stay etc. ani.. and I was just looking at you from a little far unable to believe my eyes that you were actually there. and then everybody got into their own works, and I was still staring at you! you come close to me and bend a little. Just to convince myself that it's really you in blood and flesh I decide to kiss you and press my lips and pout them out. A smile on your face and suddenly someone calls you so you turn and go. I didn't get to kiss you :(



Then next scene we're in Goa or some such water place.
There it's you me and some of our frns - none that we are usually around. Not LPD or family or the girls or them like. they were all new frns. and we went there, wahaan par you were so quiet. and we were all in water, some stupid drunkards also jumped into the pool and were misbehaving so you and a couple of boys from our gang started warding them off and got the girls outside the pool. I was just waiting for one chance to kiss you. there, me and the other girls were waiting for you guys outside the pool. Finally you come out and change and we're all headed off back to our stay. I've still not got a chance to kiss you!

Then, I hope atleast the night will be in my favour. but since you just came everyone wanted to be around you and the night went off like that and I was very tired so I slept off. I didn't get to kiss you :(


I was feeling so bad when I woke up! but I was happy you came back :D and I got to see you in person. I didn't get to touch you or kiss you - that was sad but you were back! - that was happy :) :) :) Looking forward to more such happy dreams where I can kiss you too :P :D

Reach me.

I've been missing you so much!

I don't know why; it's almost like more than mom I'm missing you.
I don't know if that's good or bad :(

Oh! I'm feeling so...

I've been shopping all by myself, for myself, missing company for shopping.
Remembering those good old days when we'd shopped together. and when I see so many young couples shopping together for their homes; I miss you so dearly...

Why can't you be with me?
Why can't I be with you?
Oh, when will this separation end
will it even end?
Should it end
What are you thinking.
Is it working
Will it work


I'm missing your embrace - my safest heaven
I want to cry in your arms
I want to feel you with/ near/ around me all the time.

Buchkiiiiii reach me love.

I miss you terribly.

I love you.

hi

I was hoping you'd call.
Just to enquire how I'm.
If I settled down. If I was missing home.
You were the only one I'd probably not mind being a crybaby to :)

Well, anyway; a new start.
This place is good so far.
Got dad to windowshop with me for a couple of hours in a shopping mall; that has to be the highlight of it all, my dad who never steps into a shopping area!

No complaints.

I know you are not reading this now; but if you were to ever read it in future;
I just want to tell you; I'm not expecting. I'm not complaining :)

ode to Kamala

Thanks to her, I now exactly know what my gift for my husband will be on his 1st birthday after we wed :) I can't stop feeling elated about it already ... blushing comes so naturally to me now! I'm waiting for that day... come soon, his birthday after wedding ....... :) I love you

Intezaar... kab tak

dekhne waalon ne kya kya nahi dekha hoga...

mera daawa hai ki tujhsa nahi dekha hoga..

jis tarah maine teri raah thaki hai barson

yun kisine tera rasta nahi dekha hoga

What a superb start to the 1st day of my birthday!

You called!!!! and how beautifully and happily you spoke!
You have no idea, meri tho jaan mein jaan aa gayi thi.. aur chehre pe itniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii badi muskurahat phail gayi thi :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I was sleeping till then, and the 1st thing I woke up to the next day of my birthday is your voice baby...
It couldn't have been a more happier start to my new year love!

Maaaannnnnnnn! Buchki papa...
You can sweep me off my feet just anytime with that loving talk and voice of yours!
I love you my love!

You won't believe but yesterday night.. yeah, just before sleeping on my birthday.. I did, what I always thought was silly, too girly.. :) I kissed you. On my phone.. I zoomed you on my screen and kissed those most kissable lips in the world and those cheeks and the forehead for so long that I don't remember when I fell asleep...



Rag rag mein is tarah tu samaane laga..
jaise mujhiko mujhse churaane laga

Hum Tum :)

and then, you send me this now? :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0MUoLjmVmU&feature=related

Acha, chalo hum log ek kaam karte hain!
Same dialogue to dialogue repeat ;)

Hum: tum saalon pehle kitne ache the, aur aaj bhi itne hi ache ho!
Tum: ha ha ha.. bhai main tho aisa hi hoon!

Hum: I'll miss you
Tum: Hum bahut jaldi milenge.. pata hai kyon? kyunki ye zindagi bahut lambi hai par waqt bahut kam hai..




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUjY3fn_Ktw&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Let us also have an arranged marriage talk like this no? It'll be fun :D
Aur hamaare bache agar mujhse pehle nahi aaye tho main tumhare chote chote chote chote tukde karke phir se jodh dungi :)
tumhare tukdon ka main kya karungi! mujhe tho tum wholesome handsome chahiye ;)

Definitely not a match...
..surely not made in heaven


but just perfect for each other!

Today me and mom went to Reliance store..

Remember which one?

http://lovetomeisyou.blogspot.com/2010/09/rejoicing-in-unspoken-yet-understood.html

This one :)

and I was telling mom, how you jumped off the steps like a superman to rescue that old person who was coming up the slope but slipped along with his bike :)

We spent more than half hour there and all the while I was just remembering you :)

How much we walked that day? Almost an hour just in that area.. we prayed outside the temple, and we were walking, walking, walking...

I spent time on the steps, recollecting how you lifted and carried me across them so my legs don't ache...
and inside the store - how we were discussing what to take, what not to take, how to cook different vegetables..
and how you said, you weren't worried of the future now that you know I do indeed know a li'l bit of cooking :P
and how lovingly you said that you were feeling as if we're a married couple doing our daily dose of shopping for groceries and vegetables after which we'll go back home and cook together!


I love you I LOVE YOU!!!
~shouting from the rooftops~
IIIIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

:)

Buchki naanna... I love you re!

nee meedha prema thannukosthundhi!

but baby I'm so bloody confused and so freaking scared :(

I don't know what my future holds for me. I'm scared to get to you coz I feel that I cannot assure a happy future for us :(

I wanted to travel with you, I wanted to take pictures with you, I wanted to mother our baby.. all these, such simple things a woman desires seem like will-not-be-fulfilled wishes to me now.

I so badly want to be with you!

but I don't want to commit to you again coz I don't hold promise.. I don't know..
One day I'm fine, the next day my legs ache like they will die off any moment with such striking damning pain!

What to do?!

I'm loving what I'm doing now.. I know I'm talking to him nicely.. and he is being so sweet to me..
I ask: "Dear Conscience, Can I flirt with him? Just a little?"
Conscience says: "No, don't. you hold  no hope so you should not raise any hopes."
I ask: "Dear Conscience, but I love him so much!" "I want him, I need him"

Conscience asks: "Why? you have treated him so bad all this while, why? why now?"
I reply: "I'm scared. I'm scared of my condition. I'm scared for our future. I want him to hate me so it'll be easy for him to move on... .but I don't want him to move on. I want him to stay.. I want him to stick with me. sit with me through sickness which I foresee happening a lot :(" "I want to live my life with him"
Conscience asks: "How do you want to live it?"
I reply: "hmm.. ~blush~ I can't say all that to you.. I want to do all that to him.. It's gonna be a secret between us.. only for him!" :)
Conscience is curious: "Tell me tell me plz tell me"
So I said: "Ok, this is how I'm gonna live my  life with him...

Before I tell you how I'm gonna live my life with him, let me tell you how I already live my life with him now..
Yes, he is in UK and I'm in India.. but yes, we live together :)

Everyday in the morning as soon as I wake up and prop my body on my elbow to get up from the bed; he appears from nowhere.. slids his hand under my waist, glues his lips to mine and slowly guides my body back to bed. Hugs me for a minute, kisses me on my eyes and forehead, wishes me good morning and smiles at me lovingly. I smile affectionately and shyly, but I don't open my mouth to say good morning coz it'd make his good morning - a dirty smell morning :P

so I get off the bed, quickly brush and then peck on his cheek and lips :)

When time to sleep, change into night clothes, relax a bit, get into bed and sometimes we sleep off talking talking.. sometimes a tiny kiss and a light stroke lead to interesting things..
Sometimes we take turns in protecting each other while sleeping like I have my arms and legs around him and he sleeps like my baby and sometimes vice versa. He has his leg around me, one hand under me hugging me in a circle and the other hand on my head, patting me to sleep..

This is how I live my life with him now..

How will I live with him when we are together?
I don't know yet..
                                                    

but I know we'll be happy, we'll explore, we'll have fun, we'll travel, we'll play sports we'll be a team, we'll dance, we'll sing, we'll have so many happy times, we'll love each other so much for the 1st few years and then we'll plan for a baby.. I'll be with him forever and ever by his side, following him everywhere he goes, and making us a home where he takes us..

I want him by my side while our baby is growing inside me..
I want him by my side holding my hand tight and that it's alright..  when our baby enters the world
I want him with me to help raise our baby..
I'll try my best so the baby and it's cries don't disturb him :) I'm sure he'll hardly sleep what with the new nanhi si jaan to take care of now along with this badi si jaan.  I'll take care of them both, but when I'm tired; too tired and sleepy to even respond to the baby's cries, he will help me get up and feed the baby.. The baby is on my lap with my bosom replenishing him thru it's tiny mouth and I'm resting on my husband's chest with my senses relaxing.. I know he'll take care of us like that.. that well.. that great!

During our initial stages, when we start it off, I'm not jumping on him or scratching him to make wild love to me. It'll all be very slow, very very shy.. I'll even describe for you my wedding day and the phase after that.. but maybe some other time.. a li'l too sleepy now :)"

Conscience says: "Wow! I'm glad I'll be around to enjoy and experience this love"
I smile shyly.


I love him.

exammmmmmmm

buchki papa, how was your exam.. I called up in the morning to wish you :)

I think you have a shift also today, that's why not calling back.
I love you buchki papa :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_yVMefoS68

I miss you...

Hum Aapke Hain Kaun

Hey Buchki papa..

I just saw Hum Aapke Hain Kaun.. and I could remember no one but you when I saw Salman Khan in that.
His every move, the innocence, the nautanki, the playfulness, the smile, the shy laugh, the eagerness, the shaitaani.. everything reminded me of you :)

It was so lovely.. As lovely as you baby :) :) I just love that movie and I love Madhuri Dixit and Salman Khan in that :)
I loved her hair, I loved her dances, I loved her nazakat and I loved her every ada...

The First Kiss!

When you gave me time to settle

When you gave me space to feel comfortable

You were indeed helping me dismiss my fears

Subtly, Carefully, a little shyly but Lovingly

Just those gestures were enough to make me as comfortable as a ...

It was sudden

It was divine

It was out of pure love

An eagerness to express it

The five-year plan gone for a toss but leaving behind no sense of loss

Lying down beside you for the first time

You facing towards the sky and me facing you in the dark

I could feel the relaxed mood. 

The sense of satisfaction, the sense of achievement,

The pride of finally making it yours what you forever loved and wanted to be yours.

You are tall

I'd prefer calling myself small

but who said that difference 

would make any difference

To enjoy one of the most beautiful expressions that we are capable of?

A little incomplete this is, 

leaving out spaces for those feelings

which have to remain unsaid

so it can leave you to decide

your definition of

The First Kiss!

Buchkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I know... I know we are gonna be on either sides of the screen now :)

But guess what it'll be very nice talking to you like this.. know why?
Coz atleast now we can see each other while talking unlike phone (he he eh eh.. bad joke aa? ok fine!)

See, dont u think this is cute? We'll also hug each other and look at each other and talk to each other lovingly through the screen like this :)

Very adorable pic no?
You feel like saying Awww.. no? I know!
haan haan, we can say.. let's say it together.
1.. 2.. 3.. Awww
:) Hugging you :-*

Oh my love! I have an idea..

A brilliant idea!!!

You know what? (ya ya I can hear you say "no, i dont know" :P
but listen.. Now that you are going to another country almost on the other side of the world, we are gonna benefit the world. Ask me how?

We love each other so much no? haan tho, while it comes to you and while yours comes to me, thoda thoda the world will also absorb love so that way, we are doing good to the world no?? We are good ppl no? Except that you are a donkey monkey stupid idiot bloody rascal lizard dog fool donkey. ya, you are. Other than that you are fine only. You want to see how our love will spread to each other? Check out the pictures! ;) like this...

like this buchki papa...
I know my hair is a li'l bad but still.. like this we'll spread love in the world..

Love to the world,
buchkis are loving,
let earth receive the loveeeeeeeeeeeee :D :D :D
let every heart receive their love
and buchkoo and buchki sing
and buchkoo and buchki sing
and buchkoo and buchki and buchkoo singgggggg

love you lovvvuuuuuuuuuuuu

You likes you likes?? :D :D :) :) :)

tussi ja rahe ho....

Buchki I'm just not able to sleep since it set in that you are leaving!! I love you I love you I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

before you go...

Baby buchki I really wish I could get atleast some time to spend with you before you go.
Forgive me for all the hurtful phases I put you thru. Trust Me when I say they won't repeat again. I'll take very good care of you. Keep singing, don't lose practice. You are beautiful, you sing beautiful, you dance beautiful ... I want to dance with you like you. You we elegant, you are like my Bruce Wills. Your favorite actor he is no? And take care baby, stay safe and away from sad ppl. Khush raho aur sab tumhari wajah se khush ho!
You are an amazing Guy that God has made, and he keeps fine tuning you everytime you visit him, and you just keep getting better and better.

And before you go, don't forget to record songs for me on my mobile phone :)



Baby...

hey babylu

So much of love coming off for you :)
Just saw the movie my super ex girlfriend. It was funny, I found it a little cute too.. don't know what's with me these days I'm finding everything cute .. I'm going all awwww.. and wowwww... and ohhhhhh... tell me full story and all that to anything I hear about love, love stories, cute little incidents :)
YOU ARE BRINGING OUT THE GIRL IN ME SASANK NEELI :) :-*

You are right, talking and discussing things with ppl helps. Abhi Maine uncle se baat kiya tha and suddenly it set in ki Tum ja rahe ho, and I'm gonna miss you so badly! Today you booked your ticket, I'm happy very happy about it. I'm glad you are going, taking time off for yourself, feel good baby! Feel the goodness in you :-) just believe in yourself.
You are going to explore the world my Marco Polo! Remember me in all your feelings, feel me in all your doings, do know that I'll be here, completely supportive and completely encouraging like a girl should be, by her Guy :)

When you want to start something,
When you need help thinking something,
Just start it off and you know I'll complete
it for you or assist you in completing it,
standing by you, helping you to stay awake
thru the exam nights. Not only exams,
projects also any challenges also..
Like this picture mein, he started off and
she is helping him finish no? like that only!






I'm glad to be your girl buchki .. actually no.. I'm not.
I'm SUPERGLAD to be your girl buchki :-D

You are my super hero! My darling, my love!

I'm gonna be with you thru my words
pressing ENTER everytime :)

True words no when I say,
I'm sending love.. I'm actually
'sending' love :)

buchki baby

Buchki kanna, isn't it affecting you like its affecting me?
I'm finding it so difficult to behave normally with you.
It feels so orchestrated. I like our friendship.
But... I love you much more than that.

You cannot renounce me just because I'm not promising to cook afterwards.
You are the last person I'd think of to behave like that. Where did your broad mindedness go? Where did the wonderful Guy inside you go who assured me life would be very happy without the regular fights about silly things?
It cannot be you who is doing this to me. If you want to get rid of me, just say you don't want to be together. But please don't let this be a reason for breaking this up.

First, it was an assurance of being a good wife, then living together, then sex life, then cooking??? You just seem to be coming up with more and more reasons to tell me - I need that in my life, if you can't promise that to me, you can't be a part of my life.

It's hurting every time I talk to you only to realise he is not mine anymore. I don't have a right over him. I can't be behaving like this with him now. Can I talk to him about everything still? Can I discuss all my innate fears with him still? I want a Guy in my life, I want you in my life as that not anyone else. It feels so sad and so crappy and I still laugh along and try to keep you in good spirits. I don't know how much is too much. I don't know my limits. Draw them for me, will you?


Why does it always boil down to me begging guys that I want to remain in their lives, that I want to be accepted. Is it so difficult for ppl to accommodate me in their lives?

You are a good girl but..

I returned here to see if I never mentioned anywhere here that I'll take care of our home. I went thru the earlier posts, and in the post titled "I'm not marrying a maid"I very clearly mentioned that becoz he is so sweet and respects women and agrees that a house and its work should be shared by both the man and the woman, I will do all the house work. Whatever the work be and the reason being only that he values and respects the role of a woman and is not like the regular men who try to pin up their wives to the kitchen. I was happy and proud and declared that I'd do all my home's work coz I want to and not coz I'm supposed to. Somebody tell me if that doesn't sound as an assurance that I'll take care of things, what does?

I never expected this. You are chucking me out of your life coz I can't cook? Coz I'm not assuring you I'll be a good cook and a home maker? Buchki seriously? You of all people doing this to me?
I for some reason assumed you understood me, my temperament, my attitude, my behaviour. But looks like I've remained a mystery to you too. I thought atleast with you I don't have to spell out my intentions or speak out my thoughts. It's only you who'd understand every unspoken word of mine and take good care of me. I might never tell you all that you want to hear from me but I really wish you thought a little better of me and understood a little more of me, coz I'm gonna do everything that a wife, a mother, a woman does for her family. I would. Just the thought that you didn't think likewise of me hurts.
I don't know if this is the reason you want me out of your life or you want me out of your life hence, the reason? I'm sorry if I'm hurting you with this question of mine but I'm hurting. I don't want it this way :(
There has to be some or the other thing that has to go on in our life, isn't it?

Anyway I hope you read this before you make.a place for someone else in your heart and take me back. I'm shameless no?? I'm crying so bad my stomach is aching. It was just getting well but